Colour TV;

should i return, and start again?

in this life i have been timid. i have been a nerd. i have felt pride. i have been a failure. i have fallen asleep on trains planes buses and in cars. once i fell asleep underneath the table in a pub. on more than one occasion i did not go to sleep at all, but kept my eyes open from sunrise to sunset and further. in this life i have completed video games. there was a time, however short, where i ate breakfast every morning. in this life i have broken bones. i have rescued injured birds, constructed bookshelves with my own hands. in this life i have wasted hours on words. i have blocked my ears. i lived in imagination and ignored reality. in this life i have been a gymnast. a dancer. a student. in this life i surprised myself. once in this life i came first at something. but only once. in this life i have memorised melodies and lyrics, painted pictures, and written on my skin. in this life i have been a sister. i have changed diapers, pushed wheel chairs. in this life i have closed my eyes and prayed. for three years of this life i have spoken french. for six days i was a volunteer. in this life i have played violin and learnt the strings, the notes, the fall of my fingertips by heart. in this life i have dreamt of being marilyn monroe, a queen, a doctor, and a good cook. in this life i have forged signatures. i have failed classes. in this life i have sat through interviews with sweaty palms. in this life i have been selected from a group. in this life i have run and run and run until my legs were shaking. in this life i have vomited from exhaustion. in this life i have walked bare foot in the snow. in this life i have walked rainy london streets at 5am. in this life i have felt out of place. i have felt in control. strong. in this life i have been bitten by a wasp. i have held hands. in this life i have collected books, cards, letters, small insects, and tamagotchis. in this life i have written poems. in this life i have held animals. in this life i have collected eggs and i have fed chickens by hand. in this life i have eaten baby octupus. in this life there has been a streak, for five years, i have not eaten any animals at all. in this life i have fasted. i have binged on alcohol. in this life i have repeated mistakes and in this life i have learned lessons. in this life i have cried on airplanes. once i held my breath on the phone until my eyes dried. in this life i have let people put needles in my skin. in this life i have asked strangers for advice. i have poked tongues at children from my car window. in this life i have said goodbye. in this life i have cradled crying men. i have worn the same clothes two days in a row. in this life i have tried to read my tea leaves. in this life i let someone read my palms. in this life i have burnt my tongue on hot tea. i have squished mango in my hands. in this life i have collected memories in a book. in this life i have walked with blisters on my feet. in this life i have played hide and go seek and i have carved my name in to trees. in this life i have left notes for strangers in hotel rooms. i have spent nights cradled by another warm body. i have fallen out of my bed in the middle of the night. in this life i have kissed the cheeks of people i adore. in this life i have lied. in this life i have been caught out. i have walked in art galleries. museums. rainforests. empty houses. rivers with water up to my thighs. in this life i have taken antibiotics. herbal remedies. vitamins. in this life i have tried yoga. in this life i have cried to drain my sadness. i drained my body instead. in this life i have given good advice. i have ignored the advice of others. in this life i have seen freckles come and go and i have counted the beauty spots on my body. in this life i have slept in airports. i have organised travel itineraries and fucked it up. in this life i have been hopeful and hopeless. in this life i have lost games. lost earings. money. friends. in this life i have been rated out of ten. i have eaten too much chocolate, hated too many people. in this life i have been screamed at by people i love. screamed back in return. in this life i have loved. love people. strawberry frozen yoghurt. polaroid photos. in this life i have often been confused.

in this life i have tried to be a good person.
whatever that is.