i am yours to keep

things are made difficult with distance. when i can't see you i sometimes forget the little things that make me love you so much. at first it seemed that forgetting would be impossible. but it turns out that actually, remembering is the hardest part to do, after all.

should i return, and start again?

in this life i have been timid. i have been a nerd. i have felt pride. i have been a failure. i have fallen asleep on trains planes buses and in cars. once i fell asleep underneath the table in a pub. on more than one occasion i did not go to sleep at all, but kept my eyes open from sunrise to sunset and further. in this life i have completed video games. there was a time, however short, where i ate breakfast every morning. in this life i have broken bones. i have rescued injured birds, constructed bookshelves with my own hands. in this life i have wasted hours on words. i have blocked my ears. i lived in imagination and ignored reality. in this life i have been a gymnast. a dancer. a student. in this life i surprised myself. once in this life i came first at something. but only once. in this life i have memorised melodies and lyrics, painted pictures, and written on my skin. in this life i have been a sister. i have changed diapers, pushed wheel chairs. in this life i have closed my eyes and prayed. for three years of this life i have spoken french. for six days i was a volunteer. in this life i have played violin and learnt the strings, the notes, the fall of my fingertips by heart. in this life i have dreamt of being marilyn monroe, a queen, a doctor, and a good cook. in this life i have forged signatures. i have failed classes. in this life i have sat through interviews with sweaty palms. in this life i have been selected from a group. in this life i have run and run and run until my legs were shaking. in this life i have vomited from exhaustion. in this life i have walked bare foot in the snow. in this life i have walked rainy london streets at 5am. in this life i have felt out of place. i have felt in control. strong. in this life i have been bitten by a wasp. i have held hands. in this life i have collected books, cards, letters, small insects, and tamagotchis. in this life i have written poems. in this life i have held animals. in this life i have collected eggs and i have fed chickens by hand. in this life i have eaten baby octupus. in this life there has been a streak, for five years, i have not eaten any animals at all. in this life i have fasted. i have binged on alcohol. in this life i have repeated mistakes and in this life i have learned lessons. in this life i have cried on airplanes. once i held my breath on the phone until my eyes dried. in this life i have let people put needles in my skin. in this life i have asked strangers for advice. i have poked tongues at children from my car window. in this life i have said goodbye. in this life i have cradled crying men. i have worn the same clothes two days in a row. in this life i have tried to read my tea leaves. in this life i let someone read my palms. in this life i have burnt my tongue on hot tea. i have squished mango in my hands. in this life i have collected memories in a book. in this life i have walked with blisters on my feet. in this life i have played hide and go seek and i have carved my name in to trees. in this life i have left notes for strangers in hotel rooms. i have spent nights cradled by another warm body. i have fallen out of my bed in the middle of the night. in this life i have kissed the cheeks of people i adore. in this life i have lied. in this life i have been caught out. i have walked in art galleries. museums. rainforests. empty houses. rivers with water up to my thighs. in this life i have taken antibiotics. herbal remedies. vitamins. in this life i have tried yoga. in this life i have cried to drain my sadness. i drained my body instead. in this life i have given good advice. i have ignored the advice of others. in this life i have seen freckles come and go and i have counted the beauty spots on my body. in this life i have slept in airports. i have organised travel itineraries and fucked it up. in this life i have been hopeful and hopeless. in this life i have lost games. lost earings. money. friends. in this life i have been rated out of ten. i have eaten too much chocolate, hated too many people. in this life i have been screamed at by people i love. screamed back in return. in this life i have loved. love people. strawberry frozen yoghurt. polaroid photos. in this life i have often been confused.

in this life i have tried to be a good person.
whatever that is.

when i'm alone, i restore myself.

what do you do when you can't show anyone what is in your head. when the words are bland the drawings are messy and the photographs are empty. they look at you and say "i'm sorry, i don't understand", and you try very hard not to scream at them, "but why?". when people have no outlet for their everyday mess of thoughts, what happens? love and nostalgia and humour and anger and discomfort and hurt and excitement and the many possiblities are all mixed together and what happens? i wonder.

Isn't life a series of images that change as they repeat themselves?

last days are always awkward. what do you say. do you pretend it's not happening? do you begin to say your goodbyes, or do you just stay happy to make the most of it? it was funny. we pretended things were normal, mostly. like the next morning he was going to wake up and go to school while i would pretend i was going to wake up, but really ... i would just end up pressing snooze on my alarm and mutter a sleepy "have a good day". then wake at a ridiculously late hour and wait until he got home. we would walk to dog and he would complain about school and i would point out that me, i had finished school forever. but that wasn't going to happen so sometimes we just sat with our legs hanging over the window sill and said "lets not talk about it".

the link is fixed

questions, answers, confusions, and secrets

as vera has been brought to attention of also, i have noticed many of you using this. now, you can ask me questions too. tell me what you like, what you hate, and what you'd like to know. please, you'd make my day.

C. x

we're out of heartache, along with fear

if you can decode the thoughts in my head, then you are my saviour. if you can understand my actions, then i'd surely assume you're god. it's sewn into the very fabric of my being, not to bare myself even to the closest of those to my heart. it scares me, yet i can't unpick the stitches. i'm beginning to wonder if one day i'll stop resisting the urge to push everybody away. and would it be cruel? and to myself, or to them? and why would i stop resisting? and why is the urge there in the first place? and why, am i questioning my own thought patterns?

little shadow little shadow
to the night - will you follow me?

i'm exhausted

pour a little salt, we were never here
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

is it human nature to be naturally happy and it takes effort to be sad,
or is it human nature to be naturally sad and it takes effort to be happy?

i lay on the floor, with a heart full of wine

this is the air of my room today. mostly dust free, thankfully. i've been nothing. nothing productive, that is. if i could make money doing the things i love i most certainly would do it. unfortunately what i love could almost be a cliche. i am no competition for the more talented cliches out there. but i'm okay with that. this way it's my own personal escape. i don't have to share anything i love with anyone, if i don't want to.

i'm not afraid to say i'm scared

i'm still awake. i fixed my clock and i can hear it ticking, it never stops - maybe somethings are meant to be left broken. i tried sleeping but it didn't quite work out, i had to find a way to empty my head of it's thoughts and get on with my nothing. my sleeping, disconnected, unconscious state of bliss. but it still hasn't arrived, and i can feel my eyes drying out. this is torture in the strangest form - unwillingly self inflicted. how do you force yourself to stop thinking? i need a button, or a switch - something that controls some kind of power source so that i can switch to off, or hibernate, or something, even standby. just something that allows me at least a little rest.

p.s; i apologise for the poor quality of the photos. my camera has cancer and is currently at the hospital undergoing treatment. cross your fingers she will be okay, please.

we follow love, we think it makes us strong

i was feeling a little triste so amelie has been soothing my mind today. my dreams were not very nice last night and i woke up with the feeling that i might cry, if i remember correctly. needless to say, today was better than the last. being spent attending to the things i like rather than the things that others do. it was nice, but it wasn't perfect.

someone's always someone elses one

drawing mushrooms. my mother says i'm screwing things up, conversations consist of being told just how much i'm going to be shit at life. but i think that sometimes the results of things i do are nice. there's a pattern in my life, repeating itself everyday. i always know about the things trying to be kept from me, and i don't even try to. i'd rather not know. i'd rather people didn't refer to me as an animal and i would rather not receive subtle hints in study period. i would rather devote free time to a little careless dancing, but the housework is more important. i want to ignore the complications, i want to live surrounded by all things green. i would like to develop a liking to mushrooms, but i've found myself too stubborn, too lazy to try.

come on skinny love, just last the year

i feel irritable, and i wish people didn't lie all the time. i am so tired of feeling this way. i am so tired not feeling okay where i am. i'm going to go to sleep, and i don't ever want anyone to wake me up. alors, danse si tu veux mon chou. et je dormirai.

i waited for your words to come

a billion bees, trapped in my chest

i want to kiss the moon, and the sun too. i want to walk in all the places of their minds, and not be scared. i want to laugh at the stories they tell, and i want them to smile. all the time. i want to live in the sky and never have to speak again.