it's been long.

i love you as certain dark things are to be loved.
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

- Pablo Neruda.

well i didn't tell anyone, but a bird flew by.
saw what i'd done - he'd set up a nest outside
and he sang about what i'd become
he sang so loud, sang so clear
i was afraid all the neighbours would hear.

so i invited him in just to reason with him.
i promised i wouldn't do it again.

but he sang louder and louder inside the house
and now i couldn't get him out.
so i trapped him under a cardboard box
stood on it to make him stop.
picked up the bird, and above the din
i said "that's the last song you'll ever sing".

held him down, broke his neck.
taught him a lesson he wouldn't forget.

i am yours to keep

things are made difficult with distance. when i can't see you i sometimes forget the little things that make me love you so much. at first it seemed that forgetting would be impossible. but it turns out that actually, remembering is the hardest part to do, after all.

once i had a heart, so solid and free.
but then you came along and marked me with insanity.

should i return, and start again?

in this life i have been timid. i have been a nerd. i have felt pride. i have been a failure. i have fallen asleep on trains planes buses and in cars. once i fell asleep underneath the table in a pub. on more than one occasion i did not go to sleep at all, but kept my eyes open from sunrise to sunset and further. in this life i have completed video games. there was a time, however short, where i ate breakfast every morning. in this life i have broken bones. i have rescued injured birds, constructed bookshelves with my own hands. in this life i have wasted hours on words. i have blocked my ears. i lived in imagination and ignored reality. in this life i have been a gymnast. a dancer. a student. in this life i surprised myself. once in this life i came first at something. but only once. in this life i have memorised melodies and lyrics, painted pictures, and written on my skin. in this life i have been a sister. i have changed diapers, pushed wheel chairs. in this life i have closed my eyes and prayed. for three years of this life i have spoken french. for six days i was a volunteer. in this life i have played violin and learnt the strings, the notes, the fall of my fingertips by heart. in this life i have dreamt of being marilyn monroe, a queen, a doctor, and a good cook. in this life i have forged signatures. i have failed classes. in this life i have sat through interviews with sweaty palms. in this life i have been selected from a group. in this life i have run and run and run until my legs were shaking. in this life i have vomited from exhaustion. in this life i have walked bare foot in the snow. in this life i have walked rainy london streets at 5am. in this life i have felt out of place. i have felt in control. strong. in this life i have been bitten by a wasp. i have held hands. in this life i have collected books, cards, letters, small insects, and tamagotchis. in this life i have written poems. in this life i have held animals. in this life i have collected eggs and i have fed chickens by hand. in this life i have eaten baby octupus. in this life there has been a streak, for five years, i have not eaten any animals at all. in this life i have fasted. i have binged on alcohol. in this life i have repeated mistakes and in this life i have learned lessons. in this life i have cried on airplanes. once i held my breath on the phone until my eyes dried. in this life i have let people put needles in my skin. in this life i have asked strangers for advice. i have poked tongues at children from my car window. in this life i have said goodbye. in this life i have cradled crying men. i have worn the same clothes two days in a row. in this life i have tried to read my tea leaves. in this life i let someone read my palms. in this life i have burnt my tongue on hot tea. i have squished mango in my hands. in this life i have collected memories in a book. in this life i have walked with blisters on my feet. in this life i have played hide and go seek and i have carved my name in to trees. in this life i have left notes for strangers in hotel rooms. i have spent nights cradled by another warm body. i have fallen out of my bed in the middle of the night. in this life i have kissed the cheeks of people i adore. in this life i have lied. in this life i have been caught out. i have walked in art galleries. museums. rainforests. empty houses. rivers with water up to my thighs. in this life i have taken antibiotics. herbal remedies. vitamins. in this life i have tried yoga. in this life i have cried to drain my sadness. i drained my body instead. in this life i have given good advice. i have ignored the advice of others. in this life i have seen freckles come and go and i have counted the beauty spots on my body. in this life i have slept in airports. i have organised travel itineraries and fucked it up. in this life i have been hopeful and hopeless. in this life i have lost games. lost earings. money. friends. in this life i have been rated out of ten. i have eaten too much chocolate, hated too many people. in this life i have been screamed at by people i love. screamed back in return. in this life i have loved. love people. strawberry frozen yoghurt. polaroid photos. in this life i have often been confused.

in this life i have tried to be a good person.
whatever that is.

well, i'm sailing softly across the sea of life.

this is a mad world.

surprises on my doorstep, bigger than a belly pregnant with triplets. loving the birthday so far.

i think you're crazy, maybe.

time spent, time coming, time to kiss and time to laugh. there's no time to worry, but i've no doubt we'll fit it in. time is quick but i know it will go slowly. time is tricky, time is confusing, time is hard to define, for it's always changing with the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky. i'm sure that's wrong but in my head that's how it works. time changes. it changes you, yes. but it changes itself. time can be nasty, and time can be sweet. time takes ever so long to bring people back to where they should be, but it races fast to kiss you goodbye. time makes you old, time puts wrinkles on your forehead and softens your skin. time is time and i would become time itself if only i could understand how time really works.

lost myself in things i shouldn't do

i'm sneaky, and i now know there are more than 200 of you. just click follow.

all of me, is all for you

four more sleeps. no wonder my body doesn't want to fall asleep.

andy warhol, you were an asshole. but i fell in love with the things you said.

we're out of heartache, along with fear

if you can decode the thoughts in my head, then you are my saviour. if you can understand my actions, then i'd surely assume you're god. it's sewn into the very fabric of my being, not to bare myself even to the closest of those to my heart. it scares me, yet i can't unpick the stitches. i'm beginning to wonder if one day i'll stop resisting the urge to push everybody away. and would it be cruel? and to myself, or to them? and why would i stop resisting? and why is the urge there in the first place? and why, am i questioning my own thought patterns?